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St John Fisher Cricket Club has had one of its best ever starts to a season with the side now unbeaten in six clear games.
“We seem to be brushing other teams aside like water off a duck’s back,” said proud captain Anil Virji, 46. Wearing a sou’wester and his favourite Gunn & Moore Wellingtons, the skipper explained the secret to the team’s success: “Before every game we huddle together for a tot of rum and then cast off onto the high seas in the outfield. Admittedly, we’ve been fortunate with a few dismissals when the bails have just floated away and the batsman has been given out, but, as a batting side, runs have been pouring from the bat. Literally.
“There’s a strong current running through the side,” Virji continued, patch over one eye and a parrot perched upon his shoulder. “However, once we avoid that, most our victories have been pretty-much plain sailing.”
Of course, playing on raid-sodden pitches is not without its dangers, as Club Chairman, Andrew Watson, 44DD, explained: “Eviry time oi rin aftir the ball, I creite a bliidy tsunimi. There are pirts of Pittirs Bir which are still inder witer.”
Many commentators have noted that Weekend Boson, Lord Horatio Herbert (real name), 45rpm, also has his hand grasped firmly on the tiller. This contravenes his restraining order and the police have been informed.
“I’m comfortable with high winds and stormy encounters,” bragged First Mate IllAveA Bayly, 64 n.o., “But I’m not used to these moist conditions. The incontinence pants usually see to that.”
Cabin Boy Robin Smith, 10st 2lbs, was quick to show his allegiance to the cause during the early season. “Cap’n Virji is a good man for testing times like these, however, if this ship reaches troubled waters and he asks me to go down with him then I shall.”
Reflecting on the water-logged start to the season, Ship’s Bean-counter, Christopher Ramsey, 30W, said that he felt perfectly at home afters years of training had prepared him such wet conditions. “I love the high C’s,” he said. Dave ‘don’t call me Summers’ Winters, PC6709, then kneed Ramsey in the groin and explained that the term was a nautical one and that his role of falsetto when singing sea shanties was of no relevance.
Malcolm, par3, the captured pirate, had used the inclement weather as cover to try to escape the soon-to-be-sinking ship. The well-known bandit cried ‘fore’ then ran aft, but he was apprehended when the Ship’s Nurse, Stuart, block A row C seat 13, rammed a large bottle of sea-sickness pills down his 3 iron.
Despite the unbeaten run of six games, the crew are a sorry-looking bunch, and it was as much that Ship’s Chaplain, Fr Little, GenesisChapter6, could do to raise a smile by recounting the story of Noah: after 40 days’ rain, the ground was water-logged for merely another 150. Fr Little explained that by November all would be fine and the Fishermen could stop, err, fishing and try and catch some balls instead.
The crewman most troubled by the poor weather was Surveyor of the Fleet, Rear-Admiral Tatlock Tatlock Tatlock III, 1007mb, whose job it was to re-calculate the ship’s course to ensure that it called at all ports during the summer voyage. He was last seen throwing up over the side of the ship and into a life-raft below in which the ship’s cats, Boxer and Marriott, were sheltering from the torrential rain. They had hidden there when they heard the Chairman’s call ‘Oi, listin ip, Fishirs – all hinds on dick!”
Andrew Coxswain was not available for comment at the time of going to press.
The inaugural Fishers’ Golf Day took place on Thursday 5 April. It was held at Hatfield London Country Club in Essendon.
With the first tee time booked for 13.04, Keith turned up at 13.03.
The course was in immaculate condition and a very proud steward/grounds man was determined to keep it that way. He pointed out to Kingie that mountain boots with ice cleats attached were not appropriate footwear on the course and gave him opportunity to:
a. Rent some shoes from the club house;
b. Play bare foot;
c. Something to do with sex and travel
Curiosly, Kingie went for option b.
A similar suggestion was put to Ross and Dean who had turned up in trainers. As the tears rolled down Andrew’s face, at the prospect of having to shell out more money on his boys the grounds man took pity and told them that they could wear them as long as they wore protective blue plastic overshoes on top.
Having played sparkling golf from the off Malcolm, Ross, Dean and Graham completed their round in about 4 hours. The next group back consisted of Anil, Si, Dave and Matt. They arrived some 3 hours later. No one can be quite sure why they took so long to complete their round but the 50 (yes 50) shots taken by Matt on holes 10 -13 might have had something to do with it. It should be noted that whilst Matt was playing the 12th Andrew (in the group behind) had time to walk to the clubhouse, relieve himself, have a cup of tea and hire a buggy in case of any further emergencies.
Robin’s attempt to assassinate Anil on the second nearly worked. However, Anil (unlike Robin) can run and was able to get out of the way.
A golf day wouldn’t be a golf day without a bandit and on this occasion the role was filled by Malcolm who hit 47 points (11 under par) in the best round of golf he has ever had, if you exclude the last fourteen tournaments he won with a score of 11 under par.
The nearest the pin award was won by Malcolm and the longest drive, Graham.
Thanks to LHGC for hosting us and thanks to Malcolm for agreeing to organize next year’s event.
  
Quotes of the day:
Andrew (as Robin’s ball flies towards Anil’s head): Shhh, don’t say anything.
Robin (as Anil dodges the ball at the lat minute): B*ll*cks, missed.
Kingie: My ball’s under a tree what should I do?
Dave: How many shots have you taken?
Kingie: 10
Simon: Give up?
Dave: I’m only here for the bath.
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Score/Points |
| Hole |
Yds |
Par |
SI |
Booth |
Egre |
Watson R |
Watson D |
Watson A |
Smith |
Herbert |
Cormack |
Hughes |
King |
Marriott |
Virji |
| 1 |
341 |
4 |
3 |
4/3 |
4/3 |
6/2 |
6/2 |
6/2 |
5/3 |
5/3 |
6/1 |
5/3 |
7/1 |
9/0 |
5/3 |
| 2 |
185 |
3 |
7 |
|
4/2 |
5/2 |
5/2 |
5/1 |
4/3 |
6/1 |
6/0 |
5/1 |
6/1 |
7/0 |
3/3 |
| 3 |
464 |
5 |
9 |
6/2 |
6/2 |
7/2 |
|
6/2 |
9/0 |
9/0 |
6/2 |
7/1 |
10/0 |
8/1 |
5/3 |
| 4 |
334 |
4 |
15 |
5/1 |
4/3 |
|
6/1 |
5/2 |
7/0 |
7/0 |
4/3 |
6/1 |
6/1 |
9/0 |
5/2 |
| 5 |
169 |
3 |
11 |
3/2 |
3/3 |
4/2 |
4/2 |
4/2 |
5/1 |
4/2 |
5/1 |
4/2 |
4/2 |
4/2 |
4/2 |
| 6 |
485 |
5 |
13 |
6/1 |
6/2 |
7/1 |
|
8/0 |
8/0 |
7/1 |
6/2 |
7/1 |
11/0 |
6/2 |
7/1 |
| 7 |
307 |
4 |
5 |
5/2 |
4/3 |
5/3 |
7/1 |
5/2 |
8/0 |
5/3 |
5/2 |
6/1 |
6/2 |
6/2 |
4/4 |
| 8 |
410 |
4 |
1 |
5/2 |
5/2 |
7/1 |
6/2 |
5/3 |
8/0 |
6/2 |
4/4 |
6/2 |
7/1 |
8/0 |
8/0 |
| 9 |
128 |
3 |
17 |
3/2 |
2/4 |
4/2 |
4/2 |
4/2 |
4/2 |
5/1 |
4/2 |
4/2 |
6/0 |
4/2 |
4/2 |
| 10 |
443 |
5 |
10 |
5/3 |
5/3 |
|
|
7/1 |
6/3 |
7/1 |
8/0 |
8/0 |
10/0 |
9/0 |
7/1 |
| 11 |
370 |
4 |
8 |
5/2 |
4/3 |
|
7/1 |
6/0 |
5/3 |
7/0 |
6/1 |
3/4 |
12/0 |
8/0 |
4/3 |
| 12 |
469 |
5 |
4 |
5/3 |
5/3 |
8/1 |
7/2 |
7/1 |
9/0 |
5/4 |
6/2 |
6/2 |
16/0 |
6/3 |
7/2 |
| 13 |
462 |
5 |
18 |
5/2 |
7/0 |
|
5/3 |
6/2 |
9/0 |
8/0 |
8/0 |
6/2 |
12/0 |
8/0 |
7/1 |
| 14 |
304 |
4 |
14 |
3/3 |
4/3 |
6/1 |
|
5/2 |
8/0 |
6/1 |
7/0 |
6/1 |
7/0 |
6/1 |
6/1 |
| 15 |
162 |
3 |
12 |
4/1 |
4/2 |
4/2 |
5/1 |
6/0 |
5/1 |
5/1 |
5/1 |
4/2 |
8/0 |
6/0 |
3/3 |
| 16 |
351 |
4 |
2 |
5/2 |
3/4 |
|
|
7/1 |
8/0 |
6/2 |
5/3 |
5/3 |
7/1 |
6/2 |
5/3 |
| 17 |
332 |
4 |
16 |
4/2 |
4/3 |
6/1 |
|
5/2 |
6/1 |
7/0 |
4/3 |
4/3 |
7/0 |
8/0 |
5/2 |
| 18 |
175 |
3 |
6 |
3/3 |
4/2 |
6/1 |
5/2 |
5/1 |
4/2 |
4/2 |
3/3 |
3/3 |
9/0 |
4/3 |
4/2 |
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5891 |
72 |
|
36 |
47 |
21 |
21 |
26 |
19 |
24 |
30 |
35 |
9 |
17 |
38 |
| Player/Handicap |
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| G Booth 10 |
M Egre 17 |
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R Watson 28 |
| D Watson 28 |
A Watson 21 |
R Smith 28 |
| J Herbert 24 |
K Cormack 19 |
D Hughes 21 |
| M King 28 |
S Marriott 28 |
A Virji 23 |
New Year greetings to one and all.
Just a reminder that the long haul to achieving peak cricketing prowess in good time for the forthcoming season starts when nets commence this Thursday (Jan 5th).
As ever, 8-9pm in the usual two lanes at Herts. Sports Village in Hatfield.
Hope to see many of you there.
Organiser. Motivator. Adviser. Friend.
 Fisher’s stalwart Phil Milton recently lost his battle against cancer. Phil was a regular of the team throughout the 80 and 90s and remained a pivotal part of the club as Chief Heckler, Biggest Fan and, latterly, Honorary President.
Phil patrolled the boundary and the bar with equal enthusiasm; he batted far better than he would ever admit to; he fielded friends’ requests for help far better than he fielded the ball; he kept wicket but he wasn’t one to keep his counsel and was always happy to offer opinion or advice. His views and thoughts were always welcomed.
Some will remember him for his unique brand of wicket-keeping, others for his brilliant banter, but all will remember him for his humour, warmth and friendliness.
People liked Phil and people like Phil don’t come along often; he was unique.
Congratulations to John Lesley Montague Herbert and Krista Nina McDonald
Well done MONTY!
| Cup Qual 2 |
22 |
THURS |
September |
8-9pm |
Cup Qual 2 |
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St John Fisher |
| I v J |
29 |
THURS |
September |
8-9pm |
St John Fisher |
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Long Marston |
| H v I |
6 |
THURS |
October |
7-8pm |
Bamville |
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St John Fisher |
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at Redbourne indoor on Mon, 09:00 PM BST
SJFCC 72 for 9 (all out) off 12 overs LOST by 113 runs against Kimpton (home) 185 for 7 off 20 overs (scorecard here)
Wed July 13th, 2011 – Match Reporter: Dave Boxer
In the words of Elton John, let’s not beat around the bush. Fishers took a good old-fashioned pasting this evening by a very accomplished Kimpton side.
The signs were ominous from the start – only eight Fishers players were present and, arguably, correct, at the start, with Bungle and Dawko held up.
Despite the lack of numbers, Fishers began promisingly, with Boxer removing the opener leg before for a duck with the fourth ball of the innings.
Virji continued the momentum, cunningly bowling a rank full toss that was in no way a no-ball, which the other opener skied to Boxer at fine leg, who did his best to drop it before clinging on. Eight for two, easy.
Then things took a turn for the worse. Lincoln and Reynolds had evidently eaten their Weetabix, and began slapping the ball harder than Mike Tyson on a quiet night in with Robin Givens.
Like Fishers players’ ringpieces after a Watson barbeque, the runs were flowing, and even with Dawko and Bungle back in the fold, protecting the alarmingly short boundaries was proving difficult.
A glimmer of light appeared when Reevo comprehensively cleaned up Lincoln for 34, and with Cooke chopping on from King and Virji calmly snaffling a swirling catch off Bungle to dismiss Sharpe, Fishers looked to be back on track.
Unfortunately, Reynolds had other ideas. Taking the bowling to the cleaners more times than a Bill Clinton suit after a meeting with Monica Lewinsky, he racked up an unbeaten 65, which, with the help of a quickfire 24 from Castle, set Fishers a demanding total of 187 to win.
The best that can be said of the run chase is that it started well, when Dawko hoiked a four off the first ball. Three balls later, he was unlucky to be caught off a well-struck shot to cover, and the demise had begun.
Summers belted some classy fours, in amongst some rather camp-looking reverse sweep efforts, before being bowled by a low long-hop for 15. In anger, he smashed the stumps with his bat, which everyone concurred was absolutely unforgivable. He should have used his feet.
But worse was to come. After Egre and Watson fell for 8 and 10 respectively (Watson threatening to go home and ‘beat the missus‘), a batting collapse of seismic proportions ensued. Wickets tumbled faster than a whippet being kicked down an escalator.
From 52 for 4, Fishers found themselves skittled for a meagre 73, thanks to a combination of accurate bowling, flying catches, poor shot selection and comical run outs.
Dejected and deflated, Fishers traipsed off to the pub to drown their sorrows and reflect on what could have been…had we had 11 players… all of whom were better than the opposition’s.
Man of the match: Si – for having the good sense not to turn up.
SJFCC 172 for 3 off 34.2 overs WON by 7 wks against Washington 171 for 7 off 35 overs (scorecard here)
Sunday July 10th, 2011 – Match Reporter: L.B. Williams
Fishers took the field bleary eyed and dehydrated, well some of the members who had crawled in that same morning from Andrew Watsons Braai – possibly not feeling all that great, great prep indeed for playing one of the toughest teams of the season.
Outrageously Bungle won the toss and elected to bowl , banking on the previous good showings form the fishers Bowling Unit and ignoring the fact that one of the opp (who had been playing his natural game) had scored 190 the previous week
The pitch (The weather was perfect, the pitch is in average good condition, the players are up for it, we should be in for a treat today) had been played on the previous day and had a good soaking so frankly it looked a good toss to win, looking for positives in the bowling performance, Bungle (bunger) opened up With Streaky from the mental institute end.
Dave as mentioned in previous match reports has toiled well this year for little reward (using the facilities) and although placing the (heavy ball) cherry in the right areas (bowling wicket to wicket), the pace was just not there, enabling Dawko to actually catch some of the balls that the batsmen left alone, relief and shock all round – Dave finished fruitless (7-1-22-0)
Bungle acknowledging every game is important, playing with full intensity (no dead rubbers here) swung into action up the hill in humid, overcast, swingtastic conditions (looking for some reverse swing). So it goes without saying it didn’t do anything at all. The prodigious movement on a week ago was replaced by well nothing until the by Ross first wicket, adjudged lbw, infact given, as it was a long hop (cafeteria bowling) that didnt bounce and found the batsman plumb (on the back foot), hitting about 2 inches high as he in vain tried to hook the perceived bouncer (He hardly gave any width. He tied the batsman and made them do something different. And got his reward for his discipline).
SI then replaced Dave at the Mad wicketless end and promply did not hit the right area in anyway at all (Anils beer keg had no doubt contributed to a lack of focus (literally)) and fed his 3rd ball a-la-stuart-nurse-stock-wicket-taking-delivery, full toss to the batsman who smacked it straight to Oli, who to be honest had to catch it as he couldnt get out of the way as it was hit so hard – not for the first time this season Streaky could appreciate what a fine fair game cricket is. Luckily at the other end Ross continued to bowl well (really hitting his straps) and pressure was applied as Si also managed to pitch one or two (the corridor of uncertainty) (Ross: 7-43-2 and Si: 7-2-15-2). Matt, Oli, Waton Snr all had a trundle (fling), whilst Bungle finished off (bowling that is) with a couple or wickets, including a skier that Dawko took with aplomb, to keep the ‘Wash’ at a manageable 171 for such a strong batting line up.
Tea was then consumed along with vast quantities of cake to absorb last nights indulgences.
Keith (it does not matter how the runs come) and dawko (form is temporary class is permanent) then began the Fishers reply, a collection of dot ball utopian cricket awaiting the spectators (and 12th heckling man Robin) and the spectators were not to be disappointed. But steadily the score built, Keith (farming the strike), Dawko (milking the bowling), took the opening dairy farm score from 50, then to over 100 before keith (throwing the kitchen sink) – out for 52 (72 balls), dawko, nuggety (dropping anchor) in his accumulation of runs continued with Si (Taking the aerial route ) came in and attained two Natsbury Maximums (thats now 33 for all the fisherman so far this season) before getting run out. In next the engine of the fishers middle order (back in the hutch) and in prime form, Andrew Watson, came in and was prompty back out, a golden duck (gone without troubling the scorer). Luckily Fishers visiting illigal immigrant helped dawko (sticking to the basics) edge (again literally) home. No team deserved to lose but cricket won.
Anyway both teams dodged the final rain and retired to the green dragon to look for 2 jugs and some beer.
Later Herbert, 33, felt the focus on the BBQ tended to overshadow the fact there are plenty of other tough opponents out there for Fishers.
“To beat Washington in our own back yard takes something special. I know we did it a few years ago but I felt at the time they were going through a bit of a rebuilding phase whereas they are now a very strong and setttled side. I don’t think we underestimate the size of the challenge ahead of us, but we can win out there. If we could then it’ll be a huge confidence booster ahead of a lot important cricket coming up.”
Man of the match: Dr Dawkins (105 balls for his 74)
ps. with thanks to Washington CC for the following images:
 Caught Dawko - Bounced Bungle  Naveed Mir top edging Bungle, gratefully caught by Dawko
 Si bowls Aff Naseem
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