Chris Gets The Send Off He Deserves

SJFCC vs Archway Graces 

Old Owens, Sunday September 6.

by Matt King

Archway Graces: 263 for 3 in 40 overs, the not-at-all-in-any-way-whatsoever-mighty Fishers: 59 all out from 20.2 overs

Hmm, where to start with this one. Ok, think positive: it didn’t rain and no-one died in a car crash on the way either to or from the ground; apart from that, it was pretty much a disaster all round. Well, I guess it was nice to see Chris again, I suppose.

We hadn’t played for 17 days so I think we could say we were lacking some match practise. Oh, and a player. Yes, and ability. More of that certainly would have come in handy.

Let’s assume we lost the toss. I mean, we lost everything else, so it’s a pretty safe bet as I’ve no idea what really happened. It was our last away game of the year and our first Sunday game for eight weeks. Spineless Dave pulled out with a bad back, but it was to be Chris’ most recent, final game ever, so what could possibly go wrong.

Things started ok: Bungle bowled one opener for 13 in the 9th over and Harris, with a great ball, dispatched the other for 22, making Graces 53-2. Actually, Harris took the wicket with his very first ball. A terrible one. Not since Chris last claimed a scalp has such a bad ball gained a wicket. It was purely down to debutant Duncan’s great catch. Harris was merely the guy standing at the bowler’s end when the wicket was taken.

53-2 off 13 overs. Not too bad. The third dismissal was like watching proper cricket. A swinging ball from Bungle was snicked to Dawko who took a clean catch behind the stumps. The third wicket fell at 237 (for those of you watching in black and white, that’s two hundred and thirty seven) in the 37th over. The guy had got 140. It was a long afternoon in the field. The century maker had just got his hundred and then, after a couple of overs from Chris, he was dismissed on 140. These things happen. Only ever to people we play against, mind.

Anyway, we all bowled, but the variety didn’t help; it just shared the burden around. Duncan deserved a wicket and Mr. Flintoff bowled fairly tidily, but we never had them in any real danger. To be honest, we weren’t even threatening them with mild peril. Last year’s equivalent fixture had been rained off. No such luck this time around.

The fielding highlights were Nursey’s triple salko (with tuck) at deep extra cover and Mount Watson’s ball retrieval techniques off Chris’s bowling. He sheds blood for the team that man (Andrew, not Chris, obviously).

Ok, to the batting then. Suffice to say that Paul top-scored with 15, Duncan was second with 10 and then it was a sorry tale of single figure scores topped off with three ducks (including a golden one for Bungle).

Their fourth bowler took a double-wicket maiden in his first over and was then taken off. Clearly he was performing below par. Loopy Hooper wanted to get amongst the wickets, apparently nearing his career three hundred (some 286 being versus Fishers). We’d forgotten to warn Stuart about this unorthodox bowling technique and, predictably, he mis-timed a shot and lobbed a catch to a grateful fielder. We’ve all been there.

Our score of 59 was the lowest Sunday total we’ve reached since WWII.

Man of the Match: The contenders are Dave, Si and Walmsleyeyey for having the forethought to keep out of the way for this match. It’s hard to award a MoM when we so failed to even make a match of it, but Duncan serves the accolade for a good all-round performance.

Quotes Of The Day:

Harris: “Yeah, I don’t look 17 stone.”
Bungle: (sincerely) “Yeah, you’re broad enough to pull it off.”

Bungle: “Milton was the first cricketer I ever saw in the showers. I went in and this thing was just sticking out at me.” (Belly, he meant a belly).

Harris: “What we mustn’t do now is lose another wicke….” (just as Bungle was bowled for a golden duck)

Magnet: “Hey boys. Like the new threads, isn’t it. I’m the only gay (in brown) in the village, see.”