It’s a Conspiracy!: Boxergate

SJFCC 71 for 4 off 16overs WON by 6 wks against Verulam dads 70 for all out off 16.2 overs (scorecard here)

Wed July 6th, 2011 – Match Reporter: Mr Nurse

Sir Isaac Newton hypothesized that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. He’d have no doubt felt his theory proven had he been at the lower pitch, Verulamium Park to observe that as the Cheshire cat grin on Kingy’s face got wider and more joyous, so the scowl upon the Boxer visage got fiercer and more miserable.

The author has often noted in these pages that Dave Boxer has bowled admirably, nay; often un-playably without reward, and as he fizzed through his overs here to open the bowling and finish with figures of 3-0-10-0, which included several edges through the slips and an implausibly unusual dropped catch from Watson Snr, he could be forgiven for feeling that the world was against him;’ I sometimes wonder why I play this game’ he said to me in abject misery as Kingy’s 1st ball (an outrageous long hop )was slapped from a yard outside off, up in the air to present Reevo with a simple, and more importantly accepted, catch at Mid-on.

But perhaps it was more than just the world against him? Careful analysis of the events by the author will show that a systemic conspiracy was underway, carefully manipulated by Master villain and Comedy King Kingy, to ensure that in a shade under 2 hours, he would decimate the bowling averages pecking order and advance to Fisher bowling domination.

Consider the facts:

  1. The game was booked to be played at Verulam School (a favoured Boxer hunting ground). Upon arrival we discovered that St Albans Colts were playing there and the game would by all normal double-booking standards have been cancelled, thus preserving the status quo in the club stats.
  2. Kingy was observed shaking the colts coaches hand and passing him what looked suspiciously like a tenner, before doing the same to the oppo captain who then remarkably suggested we nip down to verulamium and see if anyone was using the pitch.
  3. 45 mins after the scheduled start time, we were traipsing across Verulamium park, taking care not to talk to the suspicious looking beardy Morris dancers, Real ale drinking Clog wearers and hurdy gurdy playing minstrels who were all pretending to be part of the St Michaels folk festival but seemed to catch Kingy’s eye and deferentially nod as he passed them.
  4. The Verulamium pitch (A favoured Kingy hunting ground) was free!
  5. It has several grassy knolls. A clear sign of a conspiracy if ever I saw one.
  6. All five of Kingy’s wickets (yes you read that right) played precisely the same shot and were all caught in exactly the same position. What are the chances?
  7. Having dropped the catch for Boxer, Watson then took a one-handed screamer off Virji. If the expression on Boxer’s face up to that point had owed something to the Lyrics of a Morrissey song, then Heavens Knows he was miserable now.
  8. Having taken 4 wickets at the start of his 3rd over King then clearly arranged for Chris Ramsey to deliberately drop the next catch in a vain attempt to put the conspiracy theorists off the scent. There can be no other explanation for Ramsey dropping such a ridiculous dolly.
  9. Captain Anil Virji then took the catch to give Lee Harvey Oswald look-alike Kingy his 5th wicket and match winning figures of 3-1-11-5
  10. Job done, Kingy retired from the limelight to concentrate on orchestrating the fall of the News of the World and the attention diverting arrest of Andy Coulson. It’s a good job that there is still an investigative journalist out there to be able to shine a light on his nefarious activities.
  11. Kingy now has season bowling figures of 7 games, 7 wickets at 7 runs a wicket. Way too many 7’s to be a coincidence.


Conspiracies aside, two good wickets for an accurate Virji, and one each for Nurse and Egre meant that the much vaunted Verulam Dads batting line up succumbed for 70 off 16 of their venue-change-shortened 18 overs, though it has to be said that they contributed to their own downfall with 8 batsmen playing cross-batted swipes outside off-stump that all went straight up in the air. Except when Boxer was bowling.

The number 1 featured heavily in Malc’s game tonight. Bowling figures of 1-0-1-1 were matched by his batting statistics of 0 of 1 ball. His first Golden duck apparently, though we’re all sure it wont be his last.

Any hope of Verulam capitalising on this early wicket was dashed by the familiar Veldt swagger of Watson Snr who had scored 26* almost before he got to the middle. Reevo then showed his attending son that anything Verulam Dads could do, he could do better, by playing a cross batted swipe from outside off even higher into the sky than they had, and Robert Vale took 22 balls to score the slowest 4 in the history of the Club (though Dawko and Keith will probably give him a run for his money on Sunday).  Captain Virji finally got a decent bat and brought the game home with 13*.


Man of the Match: Matt King was last seen in the Six Bells with a long- haired white cat on his knee, handing out brown envelopes to the opposition Batsmen.

Dave Boxer has been admitted to the Priory and is currently under sedation.


Some short video footage:

Anil in action

A swinging Nurse