St John Fisher Cricket Club has had one of its best ever starts to a season with the side now unbeaten in six clear games.
“We seem to be brushing other teams aside like water off a duck’s back,” said proud captain Anil Virji, 46. Wearing a sou’wester and his favourite Gunn & Moore Wellingtons, the skipper explained the secret to the team’s success: “Before every game we huddle together for a tot of rum and then cast off onto the high seas in the outfield. Admittedly, we’ve been fortunate with a few dismissals when the bails have just floated away and the batsman has been given out, but, as a batting side, runs have been pouring from the bat. Literally.
“There’s a strong current running through the side,” Virji continued, patch over one eye and a parrot perched upon his shoulder. “However, once we avoid that, most our victories have been pretty-much plain sailing.”
Of course, playing on raid-sodden pitches is not without its dangers, as Club Chairman, Andrew Watson, 44DD, explained: “Eviry time oi rin aftir the ball, I creite a bliidy tsunimi. There are pirts of Pittirs Bir which are still inder witer.”
Many commentators have noted that Weekend Boson, Lord Horatio Herbert (real name), 45rpm, also has his hand grasped firmly on the tiller. This contravenes his restraining order and the police have been informed.
Cabin Boy Robin Smith, 10st 2lbs, was quick to show his allegiance to the cause during the early season. “Cap’n Virji is a good man for testing times like these, however, if this ship reaches troubled waters and he asks me to go down with him then I shall.”
Reflecting on the water-logged start to the season, Ship’s Bean-counter, Christopher Ramsey, 30W, said that he felt perfectly at home afters years of training had prepared him such wet conditions. “I love the high C’s,” he said. Dave ‘don’t call me Summers’ Winters, PC6709, then kneed Ramsey in the groin and explained that the term was a nautical one and that his role of falsetto when singing sea shanties was of no relevance.
Malcolm, par3, the captured pirate, had used the inclement weather as cover to try to escape the soon-to-be-sinking ship. The well-known bandit cried ‘fore’ then ran aft, but he was apprehended when the Ship’s Nurse, Stuart, block A row C seat 13, rammed a large bottle of sea-sickness pills down his 3 iron.
Despite the unbeaten run of six games, the crew are a sorry-looking bunch, and it was as much that Ship’s Chaplain, Fr Little, Genesis Chapter 6, could do to raise a smile by recounting the story of Noah: after 40 days’ rain, the ground was water-logged for merely another 150. Fr Little explained that by November all would be fine and the Fishermen could stop, err, fishing and try and catch some balls instead.
The crewman most troubled by the poor weather was Surveyor of the Fleet, Rear-Admiral Tatlock Tatlock Tatlock III, 1007mb, whose job it was to re-calculate the ship’s course to ensure that it called at all ports during the summer voyage. He was last seen throwing up over the side of the ship and into a life-raft below in which the ship’s cats, Boxer and Marriott, were sheltering from the torrential rain. They had hidden there when they heard the Chairman’s call ‘Oi, listin ip, Fishirs – all hinds on dick!”
Andrew Coxswain was not available for comment at the time of going to press.